I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
