and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
