I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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