My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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