That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
