I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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