She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So much rum. So many feels.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
