This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
