I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
