i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
