that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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