just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
