Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize