Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
