i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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