I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize