I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
