Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize