Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
