Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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