Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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