the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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