1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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