Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
