Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
