Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize