I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
