My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
