When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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