so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
