I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
