I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
