true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
