I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
