ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
