im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
