You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
