even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
