why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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