All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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