you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
