cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I believe in your delicious
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize