right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
