My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
