It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't turn off my feet"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
