So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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