I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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