im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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