I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
