Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
