I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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