Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
