I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
