3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
