My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
